So this is how my day started...

             So again this is how my day started. I got up at my normal time during the week of 6:50 to get my daughter up for school. And had to stay up so that i can get my younger son ready for school which is normally what my husband does. A friend like my only friend that just lives down the road. so she takes my son to school for me. Normally this wouldn't freak me out. I have done it before and been fine about it. I would normally maybe even go back to sleep for a while. But since whatever happened in my brain all these past months. Him leaving scares the hell out of me. I get so panicky
and the heart rate goes up and everything else that goes along with it, But I have a friend out of state that started to talk to me this morning and she is wishing she could do something. I told her she was. And she was just by talking to me even if its thru text messaging, It was something to keep me occupied till my friend came back if she wanted to. to wait with me till my husband came home. 

    She has done this for me one other time. And I sure hope that she wouldn't mind to continue doing this for me for the next two more Thursdays. He is home now and i feel so much better already. And normally how our day would go is just sitting in the house together. He couldn't even go in his garage he had to be close by. Right now is a sorta kinda good day. Cause I am in here in the house writing and he is outside. Normally on these good nice sunny days if he is outside working on something i will be out there as well. with my music and headphones. Those things go with me everywhere if i can get outside and into a car to my doctors appointments. I carry them all around the house with me, My phone and headphones. I will not have days like this everyday. I know that. Tomorrow could be so different and I can be down or emotional. Never know what my day is going to be like. And I tell you that really f-ing sucks. Everyday I hate my life. I just want to be better now. Not weeks or months or even if it takes even longer. I always question and ask why was I put here? what kind of life is this? 


        How much can one really take of this horrible place i am in right now? I wasn't this bad before. Not to say ever that i have never been normal. But I want a normal life a normal brain. I have never been suicidal ever. I never even think of it. It is not something i want. I want to live. But I want to Live a NORMAL life. I cant stress enough about that. I am a 33 year old nobody. Pretty home bound.   

           so that has been my day so far. I will keep you posted.  Thank you

STIGMA: mentally ill

                             STIGMA: Mentally Ill 

                                   Brain misfiring  

                                          this is me the  the stigma

                  There was a time that I was so excited to start a blog my cousin had one and then they were everywhere so i started to get into it. And I did my about me page and just a couple other posts. which I hope that one day I can post things like that again, those happy times.. Then life came up,  I will one day fill you in about all that crap that got in the way, some minor some not so I just forgot all about blogging. sometimes thinking what do I really want to  write about. And it was hard and still is even. Everyone is writing happy things and their family things their good things and their life. And that is so good for them. I am happy for them. 


               so over these past few days I really started thinking about it. You see. Like I have said I have SOCIAL ANXIETY and PANIC ATTACKS and then I have ANXIETY ISSUES and some very bad depression. in my everyday life. Even at home. I'M not sure If this will reach anyone or help anyone I dont have a name that people are gonna notice. So I do write this for myself. And if it does help someone or they are going thru the same thing and ever want to talk. I do so badly want to start coming on here more and more and as often as I can. But that always depends on the . day or the time of day or the kind of days that i have had over the past 7 months maybe 6 months. And I dont mean to offend anyone at all. some of those months in a row haven't


               So here goes some of it. I was seeing a regular doc for months. I was put on zoloft from another doc before I went to see this new doc. To tell her these are just not working anymore and if we could change it to something else. well I am now on the generic  effixor. and so I try it and after a few months or a little longer it stops working.It is also supposed to help with anxiety.If it does I have no idea. my depression has always been bad, always there, always around me, never goes away. So I start seeing this doc for a good while. And I liked her ok. So that helped out some. And some doesn't always mean a lot. she never seemed to be alarmed when she came into the room. just handed me the tissue box.Never failed me always cryin when she walks in the door. Never failed when I would walk out the doc office that i am still crying. Takes a while to calm down after that. She said how bout we put in a referral to another doc and so we did. I have been seeing an adult psychiatry. Been seeing this doc for a few months now.

   
                I was supposed to see a woman and they call and say i need to see someone  else the lady is really booked, so I see this guy. Who is not the nicest doc. Phone calls are hard for me to make or answer unless I know you. And that list is very short. I was just put on generic busburine  or whatever its called. " i guess its just for anxiety" which that month or the month before he told me there was nothing he could  give me so a month or two later he put me on it. That is a new drug I am on. only been on it for 2 months. and been put on 1 kalopnopin 3 times a day. 


            I dont know what triggered this huge onset of panic. that i wouldnt go do downstairs i barley ever left my room for a month. And something else that has changed was my husband had to be close by me besides going upstairs for to to long he cant go outside for very long he cant go in his garage in months and that is what he did every morning while i was still sleeping. Now he has to be everywhere i am. I feel so bad. That makes me hate myself more sometimes. He took care of the kids.I couldnt talke care of them they way they needed, i barley could go out on my front or back deck. I would be so nervous and shakey and my heart rate always goes thru the roof and  how strong it feels that its going to pound out my chest. or that i am going to throw up and my hands and body how bad it shakes. 

            It is so hard to describe what one goes thru when your whole life has been that way. but not this bad. something just clicked and i went from ok to worse. No one helping with cleaning or anything so it got so over wellming and that freaked me out even more. Things needed done before i could come downstairs. I wasnt like that months ago. I didnt go anywhere or tell anyone else that needed to know. my mom is my rock as well as my husband, sometimes. I dont think he understands a lot. But he tries. it sure would be so much better if i got a hug once in a while.


     And if i hear baby steps oh thats good. baby steps. I have heard that so much it makes me want to scream. i hate baby steps. I so so so want leaps and bounds. Why cant I have what i want. I want to live a healthy life. i want this struggle to end. I want my head to stop controlling my life like it has now for my 33 years of live. I was like this as a kid. mom didnt know. i never blame her for not knowing somethng was wrong. and she feels bad. which there is no reason for. I am getting the help i need now at least. So maybe ONE day I wont be this STIGMA i feel is across my forehead. That anyone who ever looked at me would see shining bright. 

         I have never wanted to kill myself.I have thought about cutting, But what I have and do the most is just wish i wouldnt wake up. But every day  i do. I am not sure what i feel about that. I never thought about it when i wake up in the moring. just anothe day to get thru. And hope it will be better then yesterday so i just kinda manage 

    I wont lie. i have been smoking weed sometimes and it helps sometimes. Not all the time. depends on the mood i am in before i smoke it maybe. I dont know. I have never ever smoked it like i have been this past month. i dont know a lot about it. 


           i guess i will just leave it at this right now. and I hope that I have the same energy to try and get this out there. Hopefully i will and hopefully it will be tomorrow. 

so good night for now.

been bummed

      I will post more tomorrow I know I haven't been here in almost I think two weeks ish. I have been a little under the weather mentally. Life has just been on the hard side lately and I haven't felt like doing anything. My butt has been pretty much glued to my couch and my eyes been stuck on the tv. I just would like to stay in bed for a while till all this crap passes by. Hopefully it would all work out while I lay there in my bed under my warm blankets. And I will just get out of bed and everything will have been already worked out and my life could finally for once be worry and stress free. Does that ever happen? Problems just work out themselves while your in bed? Cause that would be super nice. Ugh life is pretty crappy right now.

Oh yes the class at the library

                Oh yes I almost forgot to tell you all  about the blogging/social media class at my local library had signed up for. The class/session was a couple of hours and well it wasn't what I was excepting. I was the only younger person there out of maybe 10 people that also signed up. Most were older and that's fine. Everyone can learn how to or about blogs. The lady that gave the session? I don't know what to call it. She came up from Oregon to give this class. I am sad to say that it wasn't so good.  A older couple who the husband has a self published kids book wanted to know about blogging to promote his book I am thinking. They walked out after about the first hour. I cant remember the lady's name that did the class. She was saying that to get the most out of blogging you should maybe want to spend maybe 4 days a week posting or a couple hours a day. He didn't like that idea kinda threw his hands up in the air a little. Like spending that much time on blogging wasn't worth it. And in my Opinion that much time spent on blogging is totally worth it if it gets you more recognition for your book or business or whatever it is your working on. But that's just me. Sorry if that came off a little rude. I kinda feel like I wasted my day. I am bummed. I was really hoping to learn something new that I could bring to my blog. But that isn't the case and its not going to happen. She didn't cover a lot and topics got bounced around back and forth tossed around and then she would go back to the topic at hand. So that was kind of sad. It could have been the questions people asked or they didn't explain the question better I don't know. Everyone got off topic a lot so time was wasted. Really never got into any talk about the social media- twitter, tumblr, instagram. Talked about twitter for maybe 5 minutes. Something about microblogging. I think. grrr see gold fish memory. 3 seconds and boom gone, lost forever. haha She blogs on Wordpress so as the end came nearer she went over how to sign up for that site and went on to show everyone how to post blogs and that was about it. I didn't walk away knowing anything that I didn't already know.  :o(  It did however get me out of my house for a few and can now share it with all of you. I will keep checking my library for any more upcoming events. So I can share them with you.  

My NorthWest Trek Tram Ride

 I know that this

  post is really late seeing that I went to Northwest Trek last Thursday. I have had a little bit of a hard time trying to figure out how I wanted to post this. Do I put up a lot of pictures or a little bit? Did I put to many or not enough. Do I put a lot of "I did this and we did that" did I put to much information or not enough. I didn't know whether I should have made this post its own page or just leave it as a really big and long post. So I gave up all the thinking and just did it and this is what I got. haha. So please enjoy!!

          I have lived in Washington State my whole life 30 something years and I have never been to Northwest Trek. So I was really excited when my mom asked if Josh and I would like to go with her and my kids. I jumped at the chance to go and boy am I glad I went. I was excited about the tram you get to ride around in. It was beautiful up there. All the plants and trees and the fresh air. Nice to breath in some nice fresh air. I think it took us about an hour and a half or close to two hours to get there. Quite the long drive but worth every pretty penny for the gas that it takes to get there. They  have moose, elk, bison and more in a 435-acre free roaming area. And the trams didn't have the windows up so if you wanted to get in trouble you could put your arms out and touch the animals if they were close enough. Me I prefer not to get into trouble so I kept my arms to myself. haha they also ask that you keep your arms in. So its only polite to do so. Here is a few pictures of some of the animals we seen on our tram ride.

 So my Trip begins- Think we made there close to 11:30am. Its a wee bit expensive, but mummy paid for it. Josh was in the Army so he gets a military discount and so do I cause I also have a military id.so I think for the two of us it was 30-40 something? I have to ask Josh if he remembers how much it was cause I cant. I have the memory of a gold fish haha 3 seconds and I cant remember nothing. Wait I take that back I think we got there sometime after 12 cause the tram we had to wait for was the 12:20 tram I think. And at the pay window you get these little tokens for the Tram ride. Here is a picture of my green token haha.

 While waiting in line to get on the Tram we had a visitor on the other side of the gate. Just came and laid down. Still had the velvet on its antlers.

My husband Josh my son Aiden and my daughter Alani

 

 

Deer's, Mountain Goats, and Rams oh my!!!

 

Deer, and more Rams

 

These Buffalos were huge. And so close you could reach out and touch em.

 

 

We were a lucky few I guess to get to see all four Moose on the tram ride. Guess that doesn't happen a lot. Guess the weather was good enough for them to all come out. It was really pretty neat to see them in the water like that. I've never seen them that up close and personal before. Tram stopped for a couple minutes and the moose didn't even care. They are use to it. So it walked up to the front of the tram walked in front to the other side and started chowing down. Guess he needed a snack after the swim.

WWTK

     1. Which actress would you choose to play you in a movie? 

This is a hard question for me to answer.  I have so many favorite actress', sure there is a lot of Actresses I would like to play me in a movie. But one that can portray me best. So I don't have a real good answer for this one. Um, I asked my husband and he came up with Maggie gyllenhaal. I have no idea where he pulled that name from cause my husband doesn't know his actress' really at all. But I like her she is a good actress.

 

2. Would you rather drink Coke or Pepsi? I would rather drink Pepsi
 

3. Is there anything you are looking forward to this month? My husband Josh's birthday is this month. Don't know what he wants to do yet. We are having a family bbq and garage sale and celebrating one of my aunts birthday as well. And I think sometime this month I might go to the science center. Never been there before either.
 

4. Would you rather have a cat or a dog?    I would rather have a dog. We have one of both though. cat and a dog. My daughter has the cat. I am not much of a cat person but Alani's cat I actually like. My do Tearsa. Mckenzie river husky

 

5. What is something you feel strongly about? My family. To instill family value and good manners, good morals to stick up for what they believe in. Treat others how you would want to be treated. I think that I have really well behaved kids that treat others exactly like that. And hope they grow up to be good people. To love each other and stand by each other through the hard times. Be good to your friends and family and respect your elders. In the pictures my husband Josh my son Aiden and my daughter Alani.

Very Lazy Monday

               So my Monday was very nice and lazy, very uneventful. I spent most of my day on the computer. Allure Magazine is having this very awesome Month of August Giveaways. You have to fight to get your entry in before someone else in order to get the prize or be a lucky one of the  few to win some prizes that they have multiple's of. And its all est time so its 3 hrs a head of me. New prize every hr for a good part of the day. I sure hope I win something cause sitting here at the comp trying to win something when there is who knows how many other people trying to win the same one. Its a lot of work. Haha. Very time consuming. Most of the giveaways are pretty nice though. A real treat if I win. Crossing my fingers. So spending the day playing on the comp all the while watching Supernatural. Good show. I never watched it from the beginning of the whole series. So now I'm watching Supernatural, Prison Break, Nip/Tuck, Gossip Girl, and I know there is something else I'm watching but I cant think of what it is. haha to many shows. My husband and I need to finish Weeds and Netflix just informed me that season 5 of Breaking Bad is on. there Not a bad show either. I rather like it. Didn't think I would considering its about selling drugs. Get past that part and the crap they get themselves into is just crazy insane. Good show though. So that pretty much wraps it up for  my Monday. Bring on Tuesday....