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Thursday, May 7, 2015

So this is how my day started...

             So again this is how my day started. I got up at my normal time during the week of 6:50 to get my daughter up for school. And had to stay up so that i can get my younger son ready for school which is normally what my husband does. A friend like my only friend that just lives down the road. so she takes my son to school for me. Normally this wouldn't freak me out. I have done it before and been fine about it. I would normally maybe even go back to sleep for a while. But since whatever happened in my brain all these past months. Him leaving scares the hell out of me. I get so panicky
and the heart rate goes up and everything else that goes along with it, But I have a friend out of state that started to talk to me this morning and she is wishing she could do something. I told her she was. And she was just by talking to me even if its thru text messaging, It was something to keep me occupied till my friend came back if she wanted to. to wait with me till my husband came home. 

    She has done this for me one other time. And I sure hope that she wouldn't mind to continue doing this for me for the next two more Thursdays. He is home now and i feel so much better already. And normally how our day would go is just sitting in the house together. He couldn't even go in his garage he had to be close by. Right now is a sorta kinda good day. Cause I am in here in the house writing and he is outside. Normally on these good nice sunny days if he is outside working on something i will be out there as well. with my music and headphones. Those things go with me everywhere if i can get outside and into a car to my doctors appointments. I carry them all around the house with me, My phone and headphones. I will not have days like this everyday. I know that. Tomorrow could be so different and I can be down or emotional. Never know what my day is going to be like. And I tell you that really f-ing sucks. Everyday I hate my life. I just want to be better now. Not weeks or months or even if it takes even longer. I always question and ask why was I put here? what kind of life is this? 

        How much can one really take of this horrible place i am in right now? I wasn't this bad before. Not to say ever that i have never been normal. But I want a normal life a normal brain. I have never been suicidal ever. I never even think of it. It is not something i want. I want to live. But I want to Live a NORMAL life. I cant stress enough about that. I am a 33 year old nobody. Pretty home bound.   

           so that has been my day so far. I will keep you posted.  Thank you

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