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Wednesday, May 6, 2015

STIGMA: mentally ill

                             STIGMA: Mentally Ill 

                                   Brain misfiring  

                                          this is me the  the stigma

                  There was a time that I was so excited to start a blog my cousin had one and then they were everywhere so i started to get into it. And I did my about me page and just a couple other posts. which I hope that one day I can post things like that again, those happy times.. Then life came up,  I will one day fill you in about all that crap that got in the way, some minor some not so I just forgot all about blogging. sometimes thinking what do I really want to  write about. And it was hard and still is even. Everyone is writing happy things and their family things their good things and their life. And that is so good for them. I am happy for them. 

               so over these past few days I really started thinking about it. You see. Like I have said I have SOCIAL ANXIETY and PANIC ATTACKS and then I have ANXIETY ISSUES and some very bad depression. in my everyday life. Even at home. I'M not sure If this will reach anyone or help anyone I dont have a name that people are gonna notice. So I do write this for myself. And if it does help someone or they are going thru the same thing and ever want to talk. I do so badly want to start coming on here more and more and as often as I can. But that always depends on the . day or the time of day or the kind of days that i have had over the past 7 months maybe 6 months. And I dont mean to offend anyone at all. some of those months in a row haven't

               So here goes some of it. I was seeing a regular doc for months. I was put on zoloft from another doc before I went to see this new doc. To tell her these are just not working anymore and if we could change it to something else. well I am now on the generic  effixor. and so I try it and after a few months or a little longer it stops working.It is also supposed to help with anxiety.If it does I have no idea. my depression has always been bad, always there, always around me, never goes away. So I start seeing this doc for a good while. And I liked her ok. So that helped out some. And some doesn't always mean a lot. she never seemed to be alarmed when she came into the room. just handed me the tissue box.Never failed me always cryin when she walks in the door. Never failed when I would walk out the doc office that i am still crying. Takes a while to calm down after that. She said how bout we put in a referral to another doc and so we did. I have been seeing an adult psychiatry. Been seeing this doc for a few months now.

                I was supposed to see a woman and they call and say i need to see someone  else the lady is really booked, so I see this guy. Who is not the nicest doc. Phone calls are hard for me to make or answer unless I know you. And that list is very short. I was just put on generic busburine  or whatever its called. " i guess its just for anxiety" which that month or the month before he told me there was nothing he could  give me so a month or two later he put me on it. That is a new drug I am on. only been on it for 2 months. and been put on 1 kalopnopin 3 times a day. 

            I dont know what triggered this huge onset of panic. that i wouldnt go do downstairs i barley ever left my room for a month. And something else that has changed was my husband had to be close by me besides going upstairs for to to long he cant go outside for very long he cant go in his garage in months and that is what he did every morning while i was still sleeping. Now he has to be everywhere i am. I feel so bad. That makes me hate myself more sometimes. He took care of the kids.I couldnt talke care of them they way they needed, i barley could go out on my front or back deck. I would be so nervous and shakey and my heart rate always goes thru the roof and  how strong it feels that its going to pound out my chest. or that i am going to throw up and my hands and body how bad it shakes. 

            It is so hard to describe what one goes thru when your whole life has been that way. but not this bad. something just clicked and i went from ok to worse. No one helping with cleaning or anything so it got so over wellming and that freaked me out even more. Things needed done before i could come downstairs. I wasnt like that months ago. I didnt go anywhere or tell anyone else that needed to know. my mom is my rock as well as my husband, sometimes. I dont think he understands a lot. But he tries. it sure would be so much better if i got a hug once in a while.

     And if i hear baby steps oh thats good. baby steps. I have heard that so much it makes me want to scream. i hate baby steps. I so so so want leaps and bounds. Why cant I have what i want. I want to live a healthy life. i want this struggle to end. I want my head to stop controlling my life like it has now for my 33 years of live. I was like this as a kid. mom didnt know. i never blame her for not knowing somethng was wrong. and she feels bad. which there is no reason for. I am getting the help i need now at least. So maybe ONE day I wont be this STIGMA i feel is across my forehead. That anyone who ever looked at me would see shining bright. 

         I have never wanted to kill myself.I have thought about cutting, But what I have and do the most is just wish i wouldnt wake up. But every day  i do. I am not sure what i feel about that. I never thought about it when i wake up in the moring. just anothe day to get thru. And hope it will be better then yesterday so i just kinda manage 

    I wont lie. i have been smoking weed sometimes and it helps sometimes. Not all the time. depends on the mood i am in before i smoke it maybe. I dont know. I have never ever smoked it like i have been this past month. i dont know a lot about it. 

           i guess i will just leave it at this right now. and I hope that I have the same energy to try and get this out there. Hopefully i will and hopefully it will be tomorrow. 

so good night for now.

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